DONE

Memories disjointed.

Torn from happy ignorance

And brought into the harsh light of reality.

Each second looked at with new eyes,

And re-evaluated with bitter truth.

No longer do smiles seem endlessly easy

And each shining gaze of adoration has grown dull with deceit.

The moments of relaxed contentment grow taut,

Cracking under the pressure of integrity.

Grasping on to such fragile falsities –

such brittle thoughts of past happiness,

crumbles their power.

Until everything that was once good

Turns to dust – and blows away

Forever.

Very Old Poems

I was transfering stuff from my home computer and I found some stuff I wrote that I think can apply to my life still, although for different reasons.

The Past

The past is dwelled on much too often.

Such obsessing can lead to self-destruction.

However the past itself is needed,

For without which

Lessons learned would be undone.

If the past cannot be forgotten

Not let go,

What’s to become of a person

But to be torn in two

Between what has been

And what is?

            -- 2006

I actually remember the exact moment I wrote this one, and how enlightened I felt after. Because the thoughts had never fully occured to me before:

Im sick

Im sick of being angry and sad

Im sick of being hurt and upset

Im sick of obsessing over something that I cannot change

They cannot hurt me if I don’t let them

They cannot get to me if I refuse to let them in

No one can bring me down but myself

I have the ability to be an amazing person

And I deserve to be around other amazing people

Who respect me

And care about me

And don’t want to see me hurt

Or bleed

I deserve this

Because

I

Am

Me

CONTEMPLATION

She managed to close the door and start the engine before bursting into tears. Her head fell against the steering wheel, shoulders shaking violently. She was so stupid. His lips were pressed warmly against hers and she couldn't burry her insecurity long enough to properly return the action.

The warm tears grew hot underneath her eyelids before sliding down her cheeks, leaving trails of mascara behind. In her mind she saw the downward turn of his mouth and darkening of expression before turning away. She was going to lose him.  

Barely raising her head, her hands fumbled with her purse, searching for a cigarette, a new habit she couldn’t find the strength to quit. The initial tang of the acrid smoke filled her mouth and she sat back, exhaling deeply. She sat in that manner for a moment, allowing the silence to build while she contemplated the irony of losing the man she loved over her fear of losing him.

It wasn’t so much an issue of trust anymore. She had forgiven the mistakes of the past and was prepared to enjoy a future with him. Yet a space still existed between them. An invisible wall that grew taller with each serious conversation they shared.

She tossed the burned out remainder of the cigarette out the window and promptly lit another. The past was still the problem. She wanted back there. Back to the moments when his gaze was locked on her and love was the only emotion she saw. Back to the days when her phone lit up with his name and random messages of affection. Perhaps too much had passed between them for him to feel the same way, for things to be the way they were.

She glanced at her phone and inhaled her poisonous smoke, inwardly begging it to show signs of life, some sign from him that it was all going to be all right. Her tears had run their course and her face was dry. She slowly lowered her cigarette and picked up the phone.

I love you.

She set it back down and put the car in reverse. Even if her car can go backwards, they could not.

They could only move forward.

PAST

The past shadows me.

Walks with me,

Mimicking my every move.

Eager to find a way to seep in.

And slip through every orifice

And sink into my center.

Settling there.

Until good memories are incomparable.

Hoisted on a pedestal towering above reality.

And bad memories haunt every moment,

Promising repetition.

And lurking behind every smile

Is worry.

Of a future tainted by the past.

Leaving no room, for enjoyment

Of the present.

PUSHING YOU AWAY

My heart stutters at each doubt you fling at me.

The swell of love and contentment of a moment

Cut short.

Each smile and touch of the past erased by simple thoughts,

Planted in my mind, and nurtured by insecurity.

Until they grow.

Roots moving deep, tightening their grasp 

Until there is nothing.

Just a knot of emotion wrought by confusion.

Ensnaring the senses and manipulating all actions.

Until I become a puppet of my mind –

Allowing it free reign of my strings…

Until you grow weary and walk away,

Sick of watching my struggles and certain

of your past uncertainties.