She managed to close the door and start the engine before bursting into tears. Her head fell against the steering wheel, shoulders shaking violently. She was so stupid. His lips were pressed warmly against hers and she couldn't burry her insecurity long enough to properly return the action.
The warm tears grew hot underneath her eyelids before sliding down her cheeks, leaving trails of mascara behind. In her mind she saw the downward turn of his mouth and darkening of expression before turning away. She was going to lose him.
Barely raising her head, her hands fumbled with her purse, searching for a cigarette, a new habit she couldn’t find the strength to quit. The initial tang of the acrid smoke filled her mouth and she sat back, exhaling deeply. She sat in that manner for a moment, allowing the silence to build while she contemplated the irony of losing the man she loved over her fear of losing him.
It wasn’t so much an issue of trust anymore. She had forgiven the mistakes of the past and was prepared to enjoy a future with him. Yet a space still existed between them. An invisible wall that grew taller with each serious conversation they shared.
She tossed the burned out remainder of the cigarette out the window and promptly lit another. The past was still the problem. She wanted back there. Back to the moments when his gaze was locked on her and love was the only emotion she saw. Back to the days when her phone lit up with his name and random messages of affection. Perhaps too much had passed between them for him to feel the same way, for things to be the way they were.
She glanced at her phone and inhaled her poisonous smoke, inwardly begging it to show signs of life, some sign from him that it was all going to be all right. Her tears had run their course and her face was dry. She slowly lowered her cigarette and picked up the phone.
I love you.
She set it back down and put the car in reverse. Even if her car can go backwards, they could not.
They could only move forward.
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